Warning: this is a real, raw miscarriage story that goes into detail. If this upsets you or you have an uneasy stomach, stop reading.
In April we decided that I would go off of the pill just before our wedding. I had been on the pill for almost three and a half years so I thought this would be perfect timing to plan for a baby in hopefully February or March just like Talen and Lylah. We always questioned having baby number three, but upon approaching our wedding we knew we wanted to add just one more. My husband couldn’t stand the fact that our kids were getting so big so fast and I never really treated or cherished moments with Lylah like she was my last.
I downloaded all the apps to track my period so I could start recording all of my monthly “issues” and what not if you know what I mean. Surprisingly just a few days after stopping my pill I got my first period. It was horrendous. I hadn’t had a real full period since I was probably 19. I always took my pills back to back because I suffered from monthly migranes. But I was happy that my body got itself right back on track. I felt WONDERFUL off of the pill. I had been on it so long I never thought about what it could be doing to me. I was less stressed, much less irritable and I was interested more in sex, but that could’ve been the fact I was trying to get pregnant. 😊
I was that crazy lady who bought like 10 dollar tree pregnancy tests and ovulation predictors. I took a test even though I couldn’t have been pregnant yet, any woman who has been trying or is trying will understand the obsession that comes along with POAS. (peeing on a stick)
Each negative test I took was a punch to the stomach, but I told myself it will happen, some people do this for years. I cannot imagine. May passed and June came, and just a couple days before my period was due to come I had this gut feeling I always got and sure enough I got a positive test. I called my doctor immediately and went in for a blood test. I got the call the next morning and we were for sure pregnant!! I was over the moon and so was the hubby. We couldn’t believe how quickly it happened. I knew I was fertile but I didn’t think it would only take one month! According to my apps on my phone, my due date would be March 6, 2017 so since I would have a repeat c- section, we would be welcoming baby number three the end of February.
We started talking about all the things you talk about when you find out, names, finding out the sex, all the good stuff. We planned to keep it a secret as long as we could. We didn’t want to tell anyone until we were 12 weeks at least. With the other two we blurted the news out so quickly and made it Facebook official at like eight weeks. Not happening this time! It was our little secret and we were ecstatic to keep it our own.
Since I found out at four weeks the morning sickness hadn’t hit quite yet. My body was still working to grow that little baby. But shortly after I started with the exhaustion! Oh my gosh, so tired. I would get a full comfortable nights sleep each night, wake up and get ready each day and about an hour after being awake I had to practically tape my eyes open. I cannot believe how something so teeny tiny can make you feel that way!
Everything was going great and I had to wait that dreaded 10 weeks until my first appointment. Doesn’t sound too long but to anyone who is or has been pregnant understands that’s like an eternity!!!
About a week before my first appointment, on a Friday afternoon in July I had went to the bathroom and when I wiped there was an awful color discharge. Brownish red mucousy blood? I thought to myself, ok, it isn’t bright red, this is ok. It’s completely normal for this to happen, some women bleed throughout their entire pregnancy. I called my husband and he warned me to call the doctor to just make sure things were ok. They scheduled an ultrasound for that evening. I was nervous, freaking out now because they thought it was serious enough to come in.
I went in for the ultrasound and it was the awful, dreaded vaginal one. Ouch! So uncomfortable when they crank that damn prove around. As if I wasn’t feeling uneasy enough already. By now I would have been almost 10 weeks. We’ve known since the beginning of June and this was the end of July. The ultrasound tech was friendly, asked about my other kids and pregnancies, she was taking all the measurements and checking things out. It was too early to hear the heartbeat on the machine but you can see it. She showed me, sure enough, our little babies heart just flickering away. The heartbeat was 157. She said everything looked great but baby was measuring at six weeks, so I was almost a month off of what I originally thought. This was the part that didn’t make sense. How could I only be six weeks along, but have known for six weeks? There is no way I found out the day I became pregnant. That’s impossible. Inner with the doctor after and again she reassured me things looked good, baby just measured smaller. This gave me a new due date of March 22,2017. She told me if the bleeding persisted and became RED and I had cramping along with it to call back right away.
I went home feeling ok that night but a little confused, something in my stomach didn’t sit right with me. I knew my body and felt off. The next day we of course had plans all day. A family reunion and a big afternoon out at EAA and hanging out til the night show. I woke up feeling pretty good, and that afternoon was still bleeding slightly. I guess I knew what was coming, just didn’t know how to believe it or what to do about it. It was a hot day! We did a lot of walking around EAA, checking out all the planes and eating yummy food, the kids were excited to be there.
I was still bleeding, but feeling ok. The night show was approaching so we decided to stop at the bathrooms and find a place to sit for the night. I went to the bathroom and asked my husband to keep the kids so I could go alone, when I pulled my pants down to sit, I just about passed out. I passed my baby in the pad I had on. This teeny little clear sac that had a little human inside of it. I lost it. I just miscarried my baby in a damn portable bathroom with tons of other random women in there. Not in the comfort of my own home, in a frickin fancy porta potty. I couldn’t flush it. I could not bring myself to flush my baby down the toilet at EAA, what was I supposed to do with it? I don’t know, but I couldn’t leave it here! I wrapped it up in a small pantiliner I had in my purse and put it in an inside purse pocket. What the hell…I felt so weird and almost creepy but I was seriously just lost. I quickly washed my hands as fast as I could without bursting into tears and ran out of there. As soon as I walked out and saw my husband and kids, I started bawling. I just clenched onto my husband and told him what had happened. I was hysterically crying. Everything around me stopped. I didn’t see anyone else. I didn’t hear anyone else. My kids were looking at me like I was a nut. I didn’t know what to do. How do you tell your kids why you are upset. This wasn’t just a stomach ache or something, my baby was literally just pulled from my body. We walked back to our seats to just figure things out for a minute.
The kids were so excited for the night show. I couldn’t imagine telling them we had to leave because I didn’t feel good, they would hate me. I just had to sit there and act like nothing had happened. I had to put a smile on for my kids when all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and bury myself in blankets and just scream! By now the “contractions” started to come. When you miscarry, you literally go through labor. I had no idea how painful it would be. Something so tiny could make your body feel that much pain. I just laid on our blanket and cried into my husbands lap. Anyone who saw me had to think I was batshit crazy and having a mental breakdown or something.
We got through the show and got out of there. We stopped at Walgreens to get ibuprofen and headed home. I immediately got in bed and just finished the sobbing I had to hold back in front of the kids. I cried and cried and cried until I just fell asleep. The next morning the cramping was done but the bleeding was not. I immediately felt and urge to be with my mom. At 8 am, I texted her and told her I was coming over. I also texted my sister and told her to meet me there with no kids. They were so sad and sorry. They had no idea but that’s because we didn’t tell them. I miscarried my baby July 30, which is my moms birthday.
It isn’t anybody’s fault and I never felt that guilt that I’m sure some women feel. There was nothing I did wrong and nothing I could’ve done to prevent this. The next week was rough. I wanted to just stay in bed. And I think I kinda did. My kids are three and five and pretty independent for the most part. They snuggled in bed with me and watched Netflix while I slept. I felt terrible but I had no energy to move. I couldn’t eat. When I would get up I felt like I was about to pass out.
That Wednesday I went in for blood work to check my levels. They were around 400, and I had to go back one week later. I know this is protocol, but I wish I could’ve just been done with it all so I could try to let go. This little old lady at the registration desk saw I was getting my BETA levels checked and asked how far along I was. It wasn’t her fault, she didn’t know, but I wanted to kick her in the knee. I know that’s mean, just so many emotions. The next week my levels we down to the 20’s so the miscarriage was going in the right direction. If numbers stay high they usually do an ultrasound to see if everything passed. I was glad everything did so I didn’t need any intervention.
The weeks after were hard but we knew we would try again. Having this happen made us want another baby even more now. It made us stronger, and made me see a whole new light of what a lot of women go through. One in four women have a miscarriage. It’s extremely common, but such a taboo thing to talk about. I didn’t want my friends or family to be afraid to ask me about it. It was our third baby, it’s a part of our life, it’s not something I want to just block out. I think about my baby a lot.
Stay tuned to the blog in the next coming months as we will hopefully have an exciting announcement! 😘